Insomnia Thoughts

Death. It’s always present, always staring at you with those beady little red eyes. It lurks in the shadows waiting for its chance to dig its razor sharp claws into your soul. Not the souls of the dying, but the souls of the living. The survivors. Those of us left to carry on after a loved one dies. Their deaths leave us scarred and broken. We try to pick up the pieces and move on, but how can you ever truly heal after loosing someone so close? Death picks the good ones to take with him. He is taking them out of this hell on Earth. He chooses the ones that brighten others’ days.

Within the last seven years I’ve lost an uncle, my last two grandparents, a great uncle, my father and my bestfriend. And people ask me why I don’t talk. Shit, I’m scared to get close to anyone. It feels as if anyone I’m close to is taken. The worst ones are the ones we thought we would always have, but are ripped away from us. We are prepared for the ones that have been ill’s passing, in a way. It’s the unexpected deaths that take the hardest toll on us. They are the ones that leave the largest scars. They are the wounds that never quite seem to heal.

It’s been five years now and it still stings as much as it did then. The only difference is I can hide the tears no longer. No more can I be the strong one. I’ve tried to stand strong for the ones that needed me. I’ve swallowed my pain to ease theirs. I just cannot be the pillar anymore. I’ve hid my thoughts. I’ve monitored my words. Perhaps that’s why it hurts so much. Perhaps that’s why I’m still haunted at night when the only thing around is the dull hum of the AC. Maybe that’s why I’m scared to fall asleep, scared of what my dreams might bring.