No more Mask

Where are you?  I need you tonight.  Why I never count on you to be here when I need you?  Why do I feel like you only want to be around when it benefits you or you decide you want to be here?  You argue that I do not talk enough, maybe the answer is you do not listen to what I have to say.  When I do talk I feel like I am falling on deaf ears.  I have spent the majority of my life having to edit what I think, what I say, what I feel.  I have spent my life trying to please everyone.  I am finally starting to believe that my happiness has always been put on the back burner.  I want to be able to be happy and not have to constantly bend in order to keep those around me happy.  I feel like I give and give and still get used.  I am told that I am too down, too this or too that.  What can I say?  I am jsut me.  I have my own thoughts and feelings.  What do I need to do in order to show that my feelings cannot be changed?  I feel what I feel.  I refuse to put on a mask anymore.

Where am I?

I have so much to say, yet cannot seem to find the right words to get my thoughts out.  I have started and stopped many times now.  There are so many topics circling my mind that it seems unfair to pick just one.  I have so much that I have been holding in for fear of upsetting someone or another.  I think it might be time to stop letting what others feel is best for me dictate what I should do.  I cannot live by anyone else's standards but my own.  I need to find myself again.  I need my center back.  Just when I think that I am there, I find myself slipping back into the same old slump.  I am a strong and capable woman.  I can do anything I set my mind to...right?  Why then can I not get myself back to who I truly am?  I have been asked what I want to do numerous times.  What do I really want to do?  I want to have peace.  I want to be able to truly relax.  I want to get back to nature.  I want to rediscover my passions.  I want to find my muse.  I miss being able to sit out under the stars and enjoy the peaceful sounds of the lake lapping at the bank.  I want to feel the crisp air whistling past my face.  I want to feel alive instead of just drifting in this sea of life.  I want to find my flow.  More than that, I want to find me again.