Brave Soldier

Brave soldier
It is on the field of battle
Where you feel you belong
With the others you fight
To protect what is just
Your body bruised & broken
Your spirit down & trodden
You look around & its destruction you see
Your head hangs heavy
Even though you have the victory
You ready your guns
For the next fight
You steel you nerves
You lift your prayers
In hopes they are heard
You fight for your country
They have taught you well
You are a United States Marine



*A friend requested a poem written for them for when they were about to deploy. This is what came of it. For more information refer to earlier blog entries.

Mad Friends

I keep finding myself thinking back to quotes by one of my all-time favorite authors, Jack Kerouac. Kerouac was a free, but highly troubled soul. I love his anthologies and prose. He had a way with words that seems to go straight to the artist’s soul that resides deep inside me. He has many quotes that touch me, but I think my absolute favorite has to be,

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes ‘Awww’”

This is a quote that I try to live by. I try to include people in my life that keep it exciting. I surround myself with people who are “mad”. Now keep in mind, the “mad” Kerouac uses is the old use of it to describe someone who is a free spirit, they live by their own standards and do not let society dictate who they should be. They are their own person and find delight in the simple things. A cold beer and a voice was all they needed. It meant they were interesting.

I tend to gravitate towards people who are free spirits. They are who they are and will not change for anyone. I love my friends for their differences. As I sit here on my deck drinking my coffee and writing I find that the one thing all my true friends have in common is that they share a deep commitment. That commitment is to many things, their friends, their families, their faith, their community.

I have friends from all walks of life. I do not sit and classify them as upper, lower, or middle class. To me they are the “rebellious rebeler”, the “faithfully committed”, the “everlasting prankster”, even to use one of Kerouac’s nicknames for one of his friends, the “holy goof”. There’s the one that’s always there, the one that always makes me laugh, the one that’s always drama, the one that just goes with the flow. Then there is the gamer, the good ‘ol country boy, the county girl, the redneck.

They have a wide assortment of interests. Conversation is never boring with any of them. Thank God I’m versatile. Our conversations can go from discussing current events to why someone’s poop is a certain way (you know who you are!) then to who we think is the sexiest actor in a matter of a couple of minutes. These are just the conversations that I can speak of without breaking confidentiality. Many of my friends work in medical, you should hear some of the stories we talk about.

My friends may be considered weird by many, but they are mine. My friends are my family and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for any of them. They keep me sane. They keep me grounded. They keep me laughing. Most importantly though, they keep me, me.

ranting

I’m tired. I’m tired of guessing, tired of wondering, tired of questioning. It feels as if I am always the one to reach out. It feels as if I am always the first to pick the phone up and dial. Life is busy, but there is always a quick “hey, how are you doing”. I’ve burnt my bridges, I know that, but the past is the past. I am who I am. If you like me, you like me. If you don’t, then I really don’t give a rat’s ass. Just don’t waste my precious time with your bullshit. Don’t be am opportunity friend. In my book there is no such thing as a part-time friend. I am not one of those that trade friends in with every breeze. The friends I have I treasure and keep my whole life. My bestfriend I have had since elementary school! Hell, even my husband I have been friends with since I was twelve. Those that know me, know that I would put my life on the line for every single one of my friends. I would do everything humanly possible to help a friend. I tend to make friends very selectively. If I choose to let you into my life it is not something to be taken for granted and thrown around. Friendship is not a one way street. I am over having to second guess.

Moments to Remember

I have spent some time recently thinking about what my life has been and what has made me who I am today. There are several things that come to mind that have had a profound impact on my life. Even though the stroke I had severely affected my long-term memory, I can still remember these events as clear as day. They are the events that have impacted me the most and left permanent marks on my soul. Some of them cast a heavy weight on my heart and are extremely difficult to relive, others bring much joy and happiness to my heart. There is no degree of importance in how I list them, other than the first. After all, they have all had a profound impact on my life.

1.       The first and most important event of my life has been the birth of my baby girl. She is an angel sent to me. I was beginning to give up hope in ever having a child of my own. She brought with her a storm which has yet to settle. She is as sweet as an apple, but has the tartness of a lime. She puts a new smile on my face every day just by the way she wonders sleepily into the living room with her cute little bed tasseled hair. She questions everything and takes nothing at face value. She has to know exactly why things are the way they are (which I absolutely love). She is a sponge for knowledge. She is even feistier than I ever dreamed of being. Above anything, she makes me want to be a better person and make the world a better place for her as she lives and grows. She is, after all, my little miracle.

2.       The next memorable event would have to be my father’s passing. My father passed away May 18, 2008. His death was a complete shock to me. He was sitting there talking to my mother and just suddenly fell over from a stroke. He died instantly. If you have been keeping up with my blog then you know that my father was the largest male influence in my life. He was the best father any girl could ever ask for. His death really brought me into a deep depression, which no one has ever heard about, until now. I was falling and lost. My father was always on of the very few who could get through my wall of protection and truly see what was going on deep inside.  He taught me so many valuable life lessons. The main one being not to judge others based on what they are, but rather who they are. To love everybody as I would expect to be loved, but also not to back down from anyone trying to do me harm either. I know one of his proudest moments of me is when I punched one of my boyfriends so hard it knocked him off the porch because I found out he had been cheating on me. He raised me to be a tough tomboy, and by God that’s exactly what I am.  He taught me to be a caring person and to help others, but to also have that edge about me.

3.       When I think back to my high school years there’s always this one memory in particular that sums them up. It was the summer between my sophomore and junior year. Me and a couple of my friends (TJ & Julie) decided to go to the drive in. I cannot remember what movie was playing. All I know is I was driving my old ’92 Ford Explorer (the Tank). TJ was being his normal goofy self and dared me and Julie to climb on his shoulders as he walked around. We didn’t believe he could do it. So of course we decided to try. I climbed on his shoulders first, then he backed up to the Explorer where Julie had already climbed on top of the car. She managed to make it up and sitting on top of my shoulders. We just knew TJ was going to drop us. He managed to walk around the Drive in with me and Julie both on his shoulders. Then I also remember us sitting in the back of the Explorer with the back open and he kept spitting tobacco juice all over my bumper. I remember making him clean it off too! That was a truly fun night and just a glimpse into the fun times I had in high school.

4.       The next memory is not a happy one, but one I’m glad that happened. I was sexually molested as a child. The abuse began when I was 5/6 and ended when I was about 9/10. I never told anyone except my friends Jason, TJ and Jarrad (who is now my husband). It was Jason that I walked to the most about the abuse. He was the one I would call at 3 am when I’d been woken by a nightmare. I remember the night as clear as yesterday. I was sixteen. I woke up from a particularly bad nightmare and called Jason. He had been trying to convince me to tell my parents. This one night I tried like always to talk him out of it. He finally made the threat that either I tell them or he was going to call them right then and there and tell them. I remember walking downstairs and waking my mom up and asking her to come upstairs. She came up and sat on the bed and I told her. I was so scared she was going to have a heart attack. She went right away to wake up my dad. I had to retell him the story. This was also the night my dad found out I was smoking. To his credit he never said a word about it. I guess he figured I had more pressing concerns.

5.       Then there comes the moment when I finally knew what I was meant to do with my life. After telling my parents about my abuse I became very vocal about it. If people would listen, I would talk. I wanted to spread the word so that other victims knew they were not alone. I never fully understood what this meant for me until me and a friend was driving back from Knoxville one day. I will keep the friend’s name private because I do not know if she has told anyone else or not. Well she started asking questions about my abuse, which of course I readily answered. It was then that she came out and told me about her own abuse. She had been one of my best friends all through school and it completely floored me that she had been abused as well. She told me that the only reason she disclosed the abuse to me was because of how vocal I was about my own abuse. She knew I would understand what she had been through. I was also a good listener. This is when I realized that my purpose in life was to go into psychology so that I could help others through equally difficult times. As most of you know, I am a strong advocate for PTSD awareness. I firmly believe that if my friend had not shown me my purpose that day then I would be the one in therapy for PTSD related to childhood sexual abuse.

6.       Then there comes the first time I ever took the stage. I wasn’t a public production, just finals for Drama I in high school. We were to do a duet acting scene. Me and my partner Annie chose to do Twelfth Night by Shakespeare. When I started the class I was a timid and shy lil thing. Keep in mind this was before I disclosed my abuse. It was my theatre instructor, Mrs. P, who would not let me sit in the corner and go unnoticed. She broke me out of my shell. For the final I was on stage playing Olivia. We were doing the scene where the Duke sent his messenger to profess his love to Olivia. I was completely dressed in black, including a black veil. Mrs.P had me jumping all over the stage and playing the role for all it was worth. This is something I could never have done without her guidance and support. Mrs.P has been a constant in my life since then. She was at my wedding, she came to the hospital when my daughter was born and she was there for me when I had the stroke. Mrs.P sets the bar extremely high for teachers. She helped me more than any non-family member ever has. I do not think she ever realized the profound impact she has had on my life. For all that she has done for me and taught me I shall ever be thankful.

7.       Then there comes my first wedding. I have been married twice. The first one is the one you will never forget. I remember how nervous I was because I had to wear a dress. (If you know me at all, then you know I NEVER wear a dress). In fact it was the first time many of my family had ever even seen me in a dress. I was so scared I was going to trip walking down the aisle. The funniest part is that my father (the one NOT in heels) is the one that tripped. Then there was our darling little flower girls and ring bearers walking down the aisle side by side holding hands. One of them was even carrying a naked baby doll! It was just too precious. Then the look on my husband’s face when he finally saw me in a dress after eight years of knowing each other. Heck, I had even seen him in a dress before he ever saw me in one! No, he’s not a cross-dresser, mw and his sister used to bully him in middle school because he was so much smaller than us. But now he’s the bigger! Let’s just say he’s paying us back!

8.       Another memory I will never forget is when my sister-in-law and I were about 12-13. We were at their house (which sat on a main road). We decided to pull a prank over Jarrad. WE got him outside, tackled him to the ground and stripped all his clothes off him. We then proceeded to thrown his clothes on top of the house and lock him outside. He had to climb on the house butt naked to get his clothes! Yeah, I told you we used to bully him!

9.       Then there was the time in high school when my mom, my best friend Misty and I went to Wal-Mart. Me and Misty started out in the craft section. When my mom got about 5 feet away I picked up a vase, and in my loudest most redneck accent, said, “Shishter, Let’sh find a vase for Uncle Eshter’s ashesh!”. My mom was about to kill me. Then Misty proceeded to pick up a vase and call out, “Momma, will thish work?” Then when we were in the checkout line there were these two obese ladies in front of us. They both looked nine months pregnant and like they were mother and daughter. Misty being Misty started singing “who’s your daddy? Who’s your baby” right behind them!

10.   The last even that has had a profound impact on my life is the death of my brother and best friend. As I have spoken of before, I am a very strong supporter of PTSD awareness. This event is the reason. My brother was a United States Marine. He served his country proudly and had completed many tours as a scout sniper. He was discharged medically due to PTSD. March 21 of this year his battle with the illness came to an end. He went into a flashback which ended in him firing shots into the air and the police being forced to shoot him because he would not drop his weapon. TJ was a true Marine until the end. He was always a constant in my life. I loved him as much as any sister would love her brother. We were of no blood relation, but the bond was there. The unexpected deaths of my father and my brother have had a profound impact on me. I find a large hole has been dug in my heart. Besides my husband, they were the two strongest male figures in my life.

When I look back over where my life has taken me I find that there is a lot of sorrow. It is the moments of sunshine breaking through the clouds that gives me hope. I hold huge dreams for my baby girl. I hope to see her become a woman I will be proud of, which I know she will. I hope she learns from my mistakes and makes her own. Mistakes are the only way we ever learn in life. I hope that I may use my life in a way that will help others. After all, we are only given a relatively short amount of time on this planet before we are taken to whichever after life we believe in. We have to make the most of the moments we have.