My Persecutor

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head. I am having trouble grasping at a single one for a topic. I also have so many thoughts that are highly inspiring me to write about, but there would be utter chaos if I did. How can I write what I want when I have so many to protect? I have secrets screaming to be released, but it is my conscious keeping them hidden. It is so hard to want to write, but not be allowed to write what it is you feel or think. Damn these confines placed on me by society and what is supposed to be “prim and proper”. Damn them.

I am a writer. My love is putting my thoughts out there and seeing the world’s reaction. I want to entertain, I want to surprise and inspire. How can you do this being yourself when there are so many telling you to watch what you say? Yes, I speak my mind, at least the acceptable part. But what apart the ideas and thoughts that society does not want to hear? How am I to get them out of my head?

It is times like these when I really miss my father. We used to have these extremely long conversations about everything and nothing in particular. I guess I got my inquisitive nature and “don’t give a shit” attitude from him. The main thing I can ever remember him really calling me down on was using a curse word. His admonishment was always, “Susan, young ladies do not talk like that”. To which I always replied, “Now when the hell have I ever claimed to be a lady!” This was a running joke of ours.

I so miss being able to talk freely with him. I am sick of being black mailed with everything I say or type. I am tired of always having someone threaten to show my writing to people who should not be reading it. I feel as if I have a chain around my thoughts not letting them come out. It feels as if I am suffocating in my own creativity that cannot be expressed in any way other than to write, and write, and write. To me writing is a way to heal or find peace with different events, and I cannot write what I want to without fear of some type of backlash or threat.