The Burning Marlboro

I lay in bed and watch the smoke trailing up from the end of an almost burnt up Marlboro. It glistens against the clear glass of the ashtray. Such beautiful patterns come from it. It’s almost hypnotizing. Tonight is going to be another one of those nights where, even though I know I’ll catch hell for it in the morning, I just can’t sleep until I get my thoughts out. I have so much going through my mind it feels like it is about to explode. I can feel every fiber of my being getting tighter and tighter wound. I feel as though I am going to snap at any minute.  The smoke is still spiraling, dancing away from the reddish-orange glow. My mind starts wondering back.

I am still looking for a job. They all want experience.  “What experience do you have in the area?” they all ask. I find myself drifting back farther. To the outside world, I have led a very privileged life, but let’s stop to examine that for a minute and see exactly what experience I have in the field of human services.  From the ages of 5/6 until I was around 9/10 years old I was being sexually molested by my uncle. I did not tell my parents until I was 16, only a very few select friends knew. I became engaged to the boy I thought was the love of my life when I was 17. I fell hopelessly and maidenly in love, only to have him completely shatter my heart a few months later. I dated around for a year trying to find a replacement for him. It was then that he called me to come visit and to begin new talks about getting married once more. I fell for it because I was so desperate to prove that I was worth something after the abuse. I spent a weekend with him and came back home only to have him call everything off again a few weeks later.

I started college at a prestigious liberal arts college in fall of 2004, only to drop out after one year. I had began dating a guy who was originally very verbally abusive. I had let him talk me into missing too many classes. He talked me into going into nursing instead. I loved nursing. I ended up marrying that guy, even though he was mentally and verbally abusive. Don’t get me wrong, I was not innocent by no means, but there was still no call for some of the infractions.  I ended up not having the time to study which led to failing out of nursing because of a minor score of 79.9 when I had to keep an 80.

My husband and I separated in January of 2008 based on irreconcilable differences. That May my father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I was thrown for a complete loop. Then my divorce was finalized June 4. My ex began calling and truly showed that he had changed and was able to prove it to me. We re-married July 5. I was pregnant by the end of the year. Everything went great, until I had a stroke two weeks after our daughter was born. I have fought and clawed my way back. Then we were homeless for a stint. I finally finished my degree and now they want experience? What more experience could they want?

~I have known the worst fears of a child.

~I have faced the pain of denial.

~I have been defeated, but came back even stronger.

~I have known the emptiness of losing those closest to me.

~I have known the worry for the future.

~I have known the hunger pains while ensuring my child did not.

I have lost both my best friends within mere years of each other, the ones that were always there. That I never had to say a word to, they always knew. I have been threatened, blackmailed, and called a bitch. I am still here though. I am stronger every minute from it. I stand firm in my convictions. I have worked my ass off to get to where I am, and put up with a lot of shit just to survive. I have bit my tongue so much it is permanently scarred.

I ask again, what more experience do these people expect? I have proudly dedicated my life to helping all those who need it. Do I regret any of it? Not for even a minute. It is through these trials and tribulations that I have come to be the strong person I am. I honestly feel as though I would not be here today if I had lived a pampered life. I would be just another spoilt rich girl trying to make it in the big bad world. But that is not who I am. I am a fighter, not a princess. I will survive. I have too many depending on my not to. Too many people in my future that is going to need my help. I have already failed twice, I will not fail again. I will not let myself.

Oh, look at that. The Marlboro is smoked up. Guess it’s time to leave this world and let the dream world have its play.